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There are moments in each life that are dark. Dark, gloomy, cold, dull and colorless. In short: really crappy. Triggered by a wide variety, but also irrelevant things. But what matters is to find that which brings back the color, which gives light and heat spread - in these times.
I think I've found it. Sure, the times remain gray, but it's a light at the end of the tunnel to see and which gives me the strength to endure what I can not change. In return, to change the force, which has can change. Passive, but active emotional. A long-lost and believed forgotten feeling. But it to germinate, and more each day. And it will probably return to a flower, a flower's what I would pompously call inner peace.
Almost better than the feeling as such, is the certainty that it is not lost. may be denied life difficult enough, but only as a half permanently, rather than the real world participating, man is hard to understand, difficult to arg. Sure it is too early to affirm the full participation of, but it still gives me the power of a big step forward to go.
You have to imagine it: You sit at home all are in some way among people, even just sitting with The Fray and silver moon in the empty apartment. The shutters are down, the room lit only by artificial light. A perfect setting for either 4 liters of chocolate ice cream and a love romance or a 45 and 3 balls. But, and here that matters, it feels good. There are moments of invulnerability. Moments in which one can fear nothing. At last you can see what matters in life, so what really matters. It gives everything a new meaning, or make any sense. One can see in which direction it goes or should go. This gives courage and fun to me at least. It makes everything so much easier to bear because there is always something the best - if only in spirit - can draw. All this combines in one person. Almost a miracle.
There are only minor pixels, let me think, feel and uncontrolled, but also a gentle feeling of lost control. At last I seem to find what I am or what I can be at least, and that makes me very positive. It gives the particular direction and meaning. No matter what is or will be, I have learned to be grateful for what is given me. I have learned to be frugal and I am now. Here and now. Grateful for what I get and frugal, alsdass I make no claims on all this. I guess what I have and not ask for more.